I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t my inability to think before I speak
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Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you saw me eating that cupcake with no hands and you want my autograph?
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
ME: well said, kitty, well said
FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Hats were invented in 1784 when a Canadian was too polite to ask a raccoon to get off his head.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
“oh holy crap this farmer just crucified a dude, maybe we shoud stay away from this farm” – what crows realy think when they see a scarecrow