@ThisLocalHater

Well, well, well, if it isn’t my inability to think before I speak

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@nnnatchos

Him: Youโ€™re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good

@buhsbaby_baby

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because you saw me eating that cupcake with no hands and you want my autograph?

@Average_Dad1

I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity

@iliezabeth

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

@amydillon

I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.

@AndrewNadeau0

Hats were invented in 1784 when a Canadian was too polite to ask a raccoon to get off his head.

@osigat

When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.

@jonnysun

“oh holy crap this farmer just crucified a dude, maybe we shoud stay away from this farm” – what crows realy think when they see a scarecrow