Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
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Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Lube but for my dry humor.