blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
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Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.