@ibid78

Well well well if it isn’t my old nemesis, long division.

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@Fred_Delicious

“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”

@WhaJoTalkinBout

4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.

@T_Bonezzz_

“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”

*Buys everyone snacks

@simoncholland

I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.

@WheelTod

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom

@bottlerocket

Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.

@withanewname

*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.

@chuuew

Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz

Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it

Dorothy: [inhaling]

Toto: FFS

@morganalxander

Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry