My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
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“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”