Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
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Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Hank is one in a melon.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.