Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
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If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?