@MoneypennyNaked

Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.

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@FailShark

God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.

Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?

God: Turn its frown upside down.

Angel: That’s not much of a diff-

God: Give it a sideways tail.

Angel: O…kay…

God: Punch a hole in its noggin.

@ItsSamG

I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys

@david8hughes

[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”

@WhatevaConc

When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.

@KentWGraham

Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.

@WilliamAder

Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.

@DurtMcHurtt

[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.

@KalvinMacleod

[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?