Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
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[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.