This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
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When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.