@TheBoydP

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…

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@mindflakes

People often ask me if there’s a good reason why I’m sitting in their birdbath, but there almost never is

@portmanteauface

I’m not saying this one girl I dated in college wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, but she did say she thought it was the sweetest thing ever when I told her I still made ice cubes using my grandmother’s recipe

@OllyiConic

me: are there really aliens at area 51

pentagon official: that’s confidential

me: then how’d i hear about it

@CallMeDraper

Treadmills should just have one big button that says “Make Me Look Good Naked.”

@Shock_Monster

It’s been clinically proven that the most effective form of birth control I can use is: “Just be myself.”

@tourettzgoth

Keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on your bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette

@ellorysmith

huge congratulations to my cat who I recently learned knows how to turn on my gas range stove while we’re all asleep

@JoroPotential

Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.

Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: Is he a doctor?