People often ask me if there’s a good reason why I’m sitting in their birdbath, but there almost never is
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
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*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
I’m not saying this one girl I dated in college wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, but she did say she thought it was the sweetest thing ever when I told her I still made ice cubes using my grandmother’s recipe
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Treadmills should just have one big button that says “Make Me Look Good Naked.”
It’s been clinically proven that the most effective form of birth control I can use is: “Just be myself.”
Keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on your bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
huge congratulations to my cat who I recently learned knows how to turn on my gas range stove while we’re all asleep
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?