“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
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Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
TODAY
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
No regrets in 2018
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer