“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
You Might Also Like
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
My dad is at it again
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now