I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
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I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop