Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
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My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…