Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
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I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Print is alive and well!!!
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.