Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
You Might Also Like
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.