Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
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Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
😂😂
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.