WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
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(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
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the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]