“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
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If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names