This ice cream is legen – wait for it – DAIRY.
“Well we’ve been looking for this multiple homicide suspect for 5 minutes. Time to close the investigation forever.” – cops in GTA 5
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Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
My great grandma started to giggle at a barbecue and when I asked what’s funny she said ” everyone here is alive because I got laid “.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops