@kumailn

“Well we’ve been looking for this multiple homicide suspect for 5 minutes. Time to close the investigation forever.” – cops in GTA 5

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@DaddyJew

Boss: go to hell

Me: so stay? or leave? I’m confused

@13spencer

Relationship advice:

Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.

@dumbbeezie

Naked and Afraid but it’s just you in someone else’s bathroom with a toilet that won’t flush

@aissalanis

Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.

@SkippyMcGizzard

If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.

@wsforbes

I miss you… then I eat something and it goes away…

@Tups13

“Of course you can trust me. Look, I’ll prove it. Close your eyes and fall backwards. I’ll catch you.”

*Bing! Twitter notification!*

Thud.

@Robski_Boy

I still get my ‘drive-throughs’ & ‘drive-bys’ mixed up. Which is the one where I have to take a gun?

@xLiserx

Me: 6 tacos, please.
Him: This is an ice cream truck.
Me: 6 tacos & a swirl cone.
Him: We don’t serve tacos.
Me: Your taco truck is broken.

@kidphonic

Fear of hospitals isn’t irrational, I went to 1 once for a stomach-thing & I’ve had a kid following me around calling me “mom” ever since.