Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
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mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
He wanted to make sure😂
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……