@kumailn

“Well we’ve been looking for this multiple homicide suspect for 5 minutes. Time to close the investigation forever.” – cops in GTA 5

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@OllyiConic

Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”

@GodShammGod9

My great grandma started to giggle at a barbecue and when I asked what’s funny she said ” everyone here is alive because I got laid “.

@retsoor

them: how are you

you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal

@JElvisWeinstein

My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.

@AmericanGent69

Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*

@murrman5

[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow

@dave_cactus

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.

@C00LpenNAME

They say your home is your castle.

But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops