@jordan_stratton

Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.

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@TheAlexNevil

“Danger” was my middle name until I had it legally changed to “No, I’m good, thanks.”

@SteveSuckington

“Tell me where the money is or else I kill the girl”

-just to be clear, if I don’t tell you she dies but I get to live right?

@Sassafrantz

[texting]
ex: your friends were looking at me really strange at the game.

me: yeah well I told them you died in a hot air balloon accident.

@alldrolledup

Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.

@badbanana

Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.

@tweetsbyrocket

me: there’s a man in my house

911: what’s he doing

me: drinking

911: drinking?

me: yea there’s actually multiple people all drinking and having a good time

911: sounds like you’re hosting a party

me: yea

911:

me: please send help

@crunchenhancer

When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.

If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!

@NicCageMatch

Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.

@TheCatWhisprer

I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.