Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
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Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.