Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.

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“Danger” was my middle name until I had it legally changed to “No, I’m good, thanks.”


“Tell me where the money is or else I kill the girl”

-just to be clear, if I don’t tell you she dies but I get to live right?


ex: your friends were looking at me really strange at the game.

me: yeah well I told them you died in a hot air balloon accident.


Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.


Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.


me: there’s a man in my house

911: what’s he doing

me: drinking

911: drinking?

me: yea there’s actually multiple people all drinking and having a good time

911: sounds like you’re hosting a party

me: yea


me: please send help


When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.

If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!


Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.


I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.