WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
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I’d love this…lol
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”