“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
You Might Also Like
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.