Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
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A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
My first son he is wonderful
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.