@Matt_The_1st

Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.

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@spinubzilla

imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night

@retardedwriter

Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor

@UltimaShadowX

If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress

@elizabeth_fels

PUTIN: If your American lover is in this room I’ll kill him

ELENA: He’s not!

PUTIN: (softly) u…s…

[bursting from closet] A! USA! USA!

@chanelpuke

Ppl who make fun of outfit repeating? I look bomb af so I’m gonna wear this again I’ll even wear it to your funeral if you keep talking shit

@girlontapas

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

@timdonakowski

I wish someone would challenge me so I could help raise awareness for ice buckets.