This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
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(yawn)
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
titanic
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.