Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
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If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”