“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
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people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”