Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
You Might Also Like
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry