@EdgarAllanLo

[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?

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@phranqueigh

I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed

@SillyBlonde1

45 minutes on the treadmill and I didn’t die. I’ll turn it on next time.

@Reverend_Scott

[Wonder Woman shows up]

Superman: Is she with you?

Batman: I thought she was with you?

Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today

@WeedlordKrillin

printer: replace cyan ink cartridge

me: why? It’s a black and white document

printer: need cyan to print it

me: why?

printer: cyan

@Vodkantots

Interviewer: Do you have any questions for me?
Me: When someone says you’re “cool as shit,” why is that a compliment?

@hardlyrelevant

(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions

@Hil439

I hope I never go to jail because I haven’t memorized a phone number since 2006.

@DaddyJew

[lunch break]

Gf: I have 30min

Me: you thinking what im thinking?

Gf: oh yea *starts undressing

Me: *googles closest laser tag location

@TheMichaelRock

*leaves one cupcake in work kitchen*

*watches live version of Hunger Games*

@daplusk

Somebody called me ‘pretentious’ the other day.nnI nearly choked on my decaf double choc mocha latte.