[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
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I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
I didn’t come here to be called names
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
#winning
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead