@EdgarAllanLo

[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?

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@ColoChiver

When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a “mean drunk” or a “happy drunk.” Gets me out of it every time.

@DanLaMorte

I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”

@aldenskii

*in an interview*

Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.

Applicant: 5-7PM po.

Me:

Applicant: 8PM.

Me:

@1Happytwit

Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.

@sonictyrant

I was stood behind a woman in a Q at the supermarket today. Her daughter maybe 6 was hassling her for Candy.

Her mom kept refusing ,and 6 got increasingly angry until she turned around looked me in the eye and exclaimed loudly “i saw mommy kissing daddy’s winkie last night”

@jctwritesstuff

*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*

@Home_Halfway

JOSH: Hey dad
DAD: Oh my god is your name still Josh
JOSH: Um yeah
DAD: We’re changing it
JOSH: No please don-
DAD: It’s done
ERIC: What the

@better_off_dad

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.