I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
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45 minutes on the treadmill and I didn’t die. I’ll turn it on next time.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
Interviewer: Do you have any questions for me?
Me: When someone says you’re “cool as shit,” why is that a compliment?
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
I hope I never go to jail because I haven’t memorized a phone number since 2006.
Gf: I have 30min
Me: you thinking what im thinking?
Gf: oh yea *starts undressing
Me: *googles closest laser tag location
*leaves one cupcake in work kitchen*
*watches live version of Hunger Games*
Somebody called me ‘pretentious’ the other day.nnI nearly choked on my decaf double choc mocha latte.