[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
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When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a “mean drunk” or a “happy drunk.” Gets me out of it every time.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
I was stood behind a woman in a Q at the supermarket today. Her daughter maybe 6 was hassling her for Candy.
Her mom kept refusing ,and 6 got increasingly angry until she turned around looked me in the eye and exclaimed loudly “i saw mommy kissing daddy’s winkie last night”
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
JOSH: Hey dad
DAD: Oh my god is your name still Josh
JOSH: Um yeah
DAD: We’re changing it
JOSH: No please don-
DAD: It’s done
ERIC: What the
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.