Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
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Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Matt Goss
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma