Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
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Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG