went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
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Nurse: How would you rate your pain?
Me: Zero stars
Nurse: No, on a scale of 1-10?
Me: Do not recommend.
wife: I want a divorce
everyone else at the party: Happy birthday to y-
Other Survivor: We should only use our water for emergencies
Me: *waiting for my sponge dinosaurs to expand* Agreed
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.