@sarahclazarus

went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes

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@FrigginFrench

Nurse: How would you rate your pain?
Me: Zero stars
Nurse: No, on a scale of 1-10?
Me: Do not recommend.

@iwearaonesie

wife: I want a divorce
[uncomfortable silence]
everyone else at the party: Happy birthday to y-

@Browtweaten

*Deserted Island*

Other Survivor: We should only use our water for emergencies

Me: *waiting for my sponge dinosaurs to expand* Agreed

@House_Feminist

(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT

@theveganqueen

the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds

@KentWGraham

Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.

@punmagnate

I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter

@TomSchally

For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.