@sarahclazarus

went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes

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@CVTBaby

Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*

@IamEnidColeslaw

ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies

@causticbob

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

@JohnnyCrash5

[First date & I’m super nervous]
Her: Are you ok?
Me: yesh.
Her: did u just say yesh?
Me: um Nosh.

@EmissaryKerry

I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.

@theshamingofjay

No thanks World Cup, if I wanted to watch a bunch of guys unsuccessfully try to score I’ll just stay on Twitter.

@Spaziotwat

[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

@AlanFelyk

It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.

@xor

“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”

@nbadag

[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best