went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
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– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
the simulation is moving too fast
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…