@lovemydogduck

Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.

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@iamkevinito

Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.

@generaldietz

NEMESIS: i hate you

ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend

NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?

ME: i’ll ask my mom

@noog

If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”

@RobotSkeleton69

It was only after I started dancing in the food court – alone – that I learned flash mobs are planned…

@seamussaid

(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn

@nbadag

[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs

[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me