Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
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Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
cats when you pet them too long:
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.