Godspeed, John Glenn
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
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Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
It was only after I started dancing in the food court – alone – that I learned flash mobs are planned…
The Oscar for best death or dying by a duck goes to.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs
[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me