Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
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Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.