Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
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First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Pigeon open mic night.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
My dryer is celebrating lint.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.