Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.

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Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar


I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.


Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.


Donald Trump is basically the villain in every anime so I assume he’ll be defeated by a 13-year-old boy in short pants


I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.


Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.


Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.