@Tmoney68

Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.

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@rickolantern

Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar

@sixfootcandy

I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.

@dlockw21

Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.

@briangaar

Donald Trump is basically the villain in every anime so I assume he’ll be defeated by a 13-year-old boy in short pants

@Brianhopecomedy

I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.

@CovertAgentP

Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.

@callmeEvian

Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.