Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
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Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
CLERK: That鈥檒l be 95 cents.
ME: Here鈥檚 a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can鈥檛 text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can鈥檛 text me if she needs anything.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it鈥檚 for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Love this one 馃槀馃
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn鈥檛 I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that鈥檚 when I was a human cannonball in the circus
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That鈥檚 the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend