Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
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The cop said it was an outstanding warrant, dad. And you said id never amount to anything
Only a mother’s love …
look I don’t know what your problem is but I’ve got extra if you need to borrow one
I wish it were okay for a guy to carry a purse because there is only so much banana bread that I can fit in my wallet.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
so your X-rays look grea-
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Dentist: *Pokes gums with sharp pointy instrament of death* Dentist: “Your gums are bleeding because you don’t floss.”
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.