@SonOfCha

Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.

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@Kyle_Lippert

Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.

@rudetanks

The cop said it was an outstanding warrant, dad. And you said id never amount to anything

@minkpinkustink

look I don’t know what your problem is but I’ve got extra if you need to borrow one

@Beerhaze

I wish it were okay for a guy to carry a purse because there is only so much banana bread that I can fit in my wallet.

@iwearaonesie

Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”

@DanMentos

[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities

@ComedyAndTruth

Dentist: *Pokes gums with sharp pointy instrament of death* Dentist: “Your gums are bleeding because you don’t floss.”

@XplodingUnicorn

We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.

You can’t explain children. You just survive them.