Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
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I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
こいつ天才
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot