Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
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SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.