@TheWidowmakerX

Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..

One. Kernel. At. A. Time.

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@jonnysun

STOP disrespecting my family

my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG

my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE

my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND

me

my grandmother is A SAINT

@AmericanGent69

Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.

@sween

I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.

@Mom_Overboard

Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…

Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?

@TheBoydP

Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.

@hippieswordfish

ME: how do u get girls
SCUMBAG GUY: gotta brag about the size of ur, ya know…organ
[later at the bar]
ME: hey baby i got a real big colon

@KissabiX

[during sex]

Me: yeah, you like that?

Him: mmhmm yeah

Me: *stopping abruptly & pointing at his mood ring* then why is that white?

@VerifiedDrunk

If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.

@AndrewNadeau0

No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.

@AristotlesNZ

Cop failed me on the sobriety test even tho I not only touched my nose like he asked but went on & totally nailed the rest of the macarena.