Went off roading with my prius but ended up getting stuck on a bonsai tree in neighbor’s front yard

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So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.


Me: *taps him on shoulder* But what if I don’t like bread? Or fish?
Jesus: *pinches bridge of nose*


“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”

“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”


If it’s your imperfections that make you beautiful, I’m pretty sure I should be a supermodel.


To truly understand the impact of the boys being back in town, one must first examine the circumstances that led to the boys’ departure in the first place. In this essay, I will


Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.


Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!

Me: It was getting freezer-burned.

W: I just bought it today!

Me: Crazy freezer.


I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks … to the alligators…

All I wanted was to complete the circle of life.


[crime scene]

ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?

DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side

*rookie cop vomits*