[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
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Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot