@shwebby3

Went off roading with my prius but ended up getting stuck on a bonsai tree in neighbor’s front yard

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@SabineDurrant

So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.

@brynnester

Me: *taps him on shoulder* But what if I don’t like bread? Or fish?
Jesus: *pinches bridge of nose*

@DaddyJew

“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”

“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”

@fluffysuse

If it’s your imperfections that make you beautiful, I’m pretty sure I should be a supermodel.

@NORMALHUMAN4

To truly understand the impact of the boys being back in town, one must first examine the circumstances that led to the boys’ departure in the first place. In this essay, I will

@HatfieldAnne

Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.

@AmishPornStar1

Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!

Me: It was getting freezer-burned.

W: I just bought it today!

Me: Crazy freezer.

@iGreenMonk

I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks … to the alligators…

All I wanted was to complete the circle of life.

@BlindChow

[crime scene]

ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?

DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side

*rookie cop vomits*