6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
You Might Also Like
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.