Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
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Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.