@ScottLinnen

Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?

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@beckyiniowa

My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.

@Manda_like_wine

When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”

@Scott_A_Gilmore

Few people know that inventor of the car alarm Enrico Irritanti never owned an automobile. He did, however, passionately hate his neighbors.

@KimmyMonte

i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.

@Real_Dick_Head

*gets first nose bleed since childhood*

Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?

@GrantTanaka

[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions

@rolldiggity

Give a man a cat and he eats for a day. Give him too many cats, and people will be like, “Are you giving cats to that guy who eats cats?!?”

@NervousJr

Whenever you’re feeling really bad about yourself just remember, there’s people that pay money to exercise.

@UnFitz

Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?