@ScottLinnen

Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?

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@LlamaInaTux

me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines

me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff

@iAmDelFreaky

Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.

@JocMaxedOut

Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey

Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*

@fro_vo

DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream

@slyoung5

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.

@michaelianblack

Internet, just because I bought shoes from you once doesn’t mean I’m going to do it again. You’re coming across as desperate.

@eff_yeah_steph

Daughter: Anyone there?

Ouija Board: S P O T

Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm

Ouija Board: N O

ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room

@JayMindX

“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”

-Humans

@mooses_mom_mar

Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?

Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.

I: Your office will be next to mine.