Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
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If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge