@FishySnowborder

Went out drinking at the bar last night.

Took a cab home.

Trying to figure out what to do with the cab in my garage?

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@SirEviscerate

The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.

@Kyle_Lippert

Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.

@Peauxtassium

I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.

@ThingsJackDigs

Baptisms were invented by a guy who had to explain why he was caught trying to drown a baby.

@MariyaAlexander

My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy

@crunchenhanced

Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?

@DarzieDAMN

My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don’t run into anyone you know