My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
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“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Yes, this is exactly right
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.