ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
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I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas