Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat

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I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.


DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]


*bumps into cute girl while typing on calculator* oops! got a bit carried away inventorying my lizards *makes sure she sees the 99999999999*


Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”


My friend is showing me her new vegan handbag. I know vegans can be annoying, but should we really be making accessories out of them?


[watching paint dry]

“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”


A facebook friend posted, “I’m not ashamed of Jesus.” It took every single ounce of my willpower not to reply, “Uh oh. What did he do now?”


Husband: I know the kids are driving you crazy, just walk away for a bit and you’ll feel a lot better

Me, now living on a deserted island: what do you know, he was right


Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning


Kid: Are you the babysitter?

Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!

Kid: *horrified*