Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
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My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
I will never stop laughing at this
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
blocked.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol