Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.

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I have watched this 30 times already since I discovered it under two minutes ago.


My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.


Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.


[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna


ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—

FAMILY: We have a JET?!

ME: I meant—

FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?


FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?

ME: Yes, that is definitely the case


A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.

On the way to school.


Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.