Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.

I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.

Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.

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Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee


I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.


Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.

Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz


god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys

god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!


Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.


Is he dead?

Is he dead?

Is she dead?

Is HE dead?

What about him?

Is SHE dead?

-My kids watching 80s music videos.


*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?


Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!



*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying