Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
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I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food