@ShootyDoody

Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.

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@FrauFickenDammt

You’d think with all the hiking Dora the Explorer does, she’d be thinner.

@ThugRaccoons

*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*

@batkaren

COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?

@BlueOnBlack72

I was married for 13 years and I swear, the only thing I learned is bras don’t go in the dryer.

@Contwixt

Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.

@vidalsg

Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.

@Sarcasticsapien

Rejecting someone by saying “you deserve someone better” is a fun way to let a person know you’d rather insult yourself than to date them.

@PaulGibson1963

The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.

@MazMHussain

Said it before but someone needs to start a rumor that Muslims don’t eat donuts so that people will start sending those to the mosque.

@TheHyyyype

HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations

THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!