Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
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If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
reminder
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus