@XplodingUnicorn

Went to a parade.

For an hour, bored people on floats waved.

For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.

It was the greatest day of her life.

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@Sarcasticsapien

I’m pretty sure that the guy who wrote about the Apocalypse was a meteorologist.

@Mikecanrant

Not trying to be racist or ignorant but…

seriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.

@LoveNLunchmeat

that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse

@JeremyInKC

Of course your milkshake brings the boys to the yard. What boy doesn’t love milkshakes? If your asparagus brought em, then I’d be impressed.

@Awk0Tacoo

*Tries to get makeup off*

Makeup: I have a boyfriend.

@TechnicallyRon

A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.

@JohnLyonTweets

I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.

@TheBoydP

I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently

@sofarrsogud

CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1

ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.

*awkward silence

GOD: We NEVER use that word here

@UpDocInc

I have twin brothers named Juan and Amal. I only carry a picture of one of them because if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.