Went to a parade.

For an hour, bored people on floats waved.

For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.

It was the greatest day of her life.

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I’m pretty sure that the guy who wrote about the Apocalypse was a meteorologist.


Not trying to be racist or ignorant but…

seriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.


that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse


Of course your milkshake brings the boys to the yard. What boy doesn’t love milkshakes? If your asparagus brought em, then I’d be impressed.


*Tries to get makeup off*

Makeup: I have a boyfriend.


A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.


I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.


I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently



ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.

*awkward silence

GOD: We NEVER use that word here


I have twin brothers named Juan and Amal. I only carry a picture of one of them because if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.