Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”

The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.

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If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.


Thank you for the “avi is not me” disclaimer in your bio. I was thinking David Hasselhoff sure isn’t very popular on here with 13 followers


Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came

Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready


I don’t always whoop.

But when i do.. there it is


When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.


*runs into coworker at store*
*pretends I don’t speak English*


Why do cops get mad when other cops have jurisdiction over a case? I’d be like cool I’m going home to eat.


glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,


Of all the grotesque sounds coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most disturbing!!


Always a bridesmaid, never the voice that mysteriously bleeds from the corner of your bedroom wall.