@CrazyExhaustion

Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”

The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.

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@senorwinces

If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.

@Queen_Sassy_AF

Thank you for the “avi is not me” disclaimer in your bio. I was thinking David Hasselhoff sure isn’t very popular on here with 13 followers

@KylePlantEmoji

Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came

Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready

@RUAg4mer

I don’t always whoop.

But when i do.. there it is

@Tmoney68

When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.

@MUMSIEesq

*runs into coworker at store*
*pretends I don’t speak English*

@Stellacopter

Why do cops get mad when other cops have jurisdiction over a case? I’d be like cool I’m going home to eat.

@dril

glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,

@CheryeDavis

Of all the grotesque sounds coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most disturbing!!

@gothicaseas

Always a bridesmaid, never the voice that mysteriously bleeds from the corner of your bedroom wall.